Balance
by AndSheWasBeautiful
Summary: I have the same dream every night, as I lie in his bed in the Wilds. I am in the back yard of 37 Brooks. And he is there. He whispers something to me, and I cannot hear. My resolve becomes more ferocious. And I am closer to destroying the Cure. L/A


**Balance. **

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><p><strong>i. all good things are wild and free.<strong>

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><p><em>Lena<em>

I have the same dream every night.

I am in the back yard of 37 Brooks. The grass is lush and green beneath my bare feet, and I savour the feeling of it alive between my toes. The breeze tickles my shoulders, whispering something that saved my life, and the sun beats down on my back, its rays catching the tones of blonde in my hair. The sky is blue and cloudless – a bare expanse much like the wastelands I now call home.

And he is there.

He is smiling, that mischievous, daring smile that terrified me the first time I saw it, curled up in the Evaluation room with cows rampaging through. His eyes twinkle, the same amber as an owl's, sparkling with merriment and mirth, because he is in my dreams and not in my arms. His hair is the same shade of copper, still falls in the same lazy, wondrous fashion, and I commend my brain on taking such a perfect picture of him to have and to hold.

But in my dream, I cannot move. I am rooted to the spot, and I grit my teeth and I squirm, but in the end I give up. I always give up. And he moves towards me, like the ghost which he now is. Perfectly preserved in my memories, but a memory all the same. His smile fades a little, and his eyes harden, and I know to take his words seriously, as he leans in and his lips brush my ears and I shiver. He does not touch me otherwise, and he opens his mouth slowly, as I prepare to hear the words.

He speaks.

He says something, which is muffled, silent, and I cannot understand. I try to say his name, beg him to repeat. But he pulls away, watching me sadly as I struggle, thrashing and trying to reach him in some way –

"Alex!" I moan, my sleep once again interrupted by the same troublesome dream. Only, not troublesome, because he is beautiful, and he will never be troublesome because he saved me.

I wipe my forehead clean of the cold sweat, and peel my clammy body from the thinning sheets of his trailer. The single blanket I own lies on the floor, forgotten during my panicked thrashing, and I bite down on my lip, controlling wracking sobs as tears slide down my cheeks. My hands are shaking, as they always shake after the dream, reminding me of the day he crashed the motorcycle and I jumped and he did what the rest of those hypocrites did and _lied_ to me.

I'll be right behind you Lena.

I throw my legs from the bed, sighing in despair, and raking my still trembling fingers through my tousled hair. The sun is rising above the hills and trees, and I smile softly, as I watch. My favourite colours all displayed before me. There is no use for sleep anymore – and so I stand and compose myself, and slip my feet into some thatched sandals, before making my way out of the trailer and into the settlement.

It is still too early for the saner members of our little community to have awakened yet, so I pick my way across the ashy ground carefully, minding thin twigs prone to snapping, and stretch absent mindedly. Without noticing, my feet are leading me down the familiar track to the watering hole, and I take in my surroundings for what seems like the millionth time in the five years I've been here.

The trailers and vans and tents are all set up in tidy rows, fire pits strewn across the land, and washing lines are strung between trees to dry what little clothes we have. A basket is in the middle of being woven, and a guitar is propped up against the base of the giant oak tree that rests in the top of the clearing. I remember when Alex brought me here first – and decide, as I always do, that I prefer the clearing at night, when the space is ablaze with fire, and the sky is alive with stars, and the air is engulfed with sweet music. Hana would love it here.

The watering hole is down a little track in the woods, but not far from the site. It is large, and the Invalids long ago divided it into two – one for swimming and cleaning, one for drinking. As it comes into view, I see another early riser climbing from the swimming area.

I've always seemed to have the ability to draw friends who are better looking than myself.

Raye stands in only her bikini, shaking sopping black hair from her eyes. She is one half Japanese and it shows on her elfin features and eyes that glimmer like dark gems. Her skin is pale and she's never had a blemish in all the time I've known her – she is_ tiny_ for a 19 year old, in both frame and height, her petite form making her perfect for our – upcoming endeavours. Raye spots me and grins, waving brightly.

"Lena! Hi!" she says cheerily, stepping into her skirt and hoisting it up round her hips. It's as tiny as her, and purple in colour.

"Hi," I say, forcing a small smile, my voice scratchy and weak. Raye frowns a moment before tying her hair up, and yanking on her white shirt – it's the kind that has no back, and is made of floaty material, making her glow in the waxing sunlight.

"You're up early," she remarks casually, as I slide down the slight slope to the water and cup my hands into the lapping liquid. I nod as I slurp, avoiding an answer by taking another gulp of water. It makes me feel ill to drink water early in the morning, but I don't like talking about the dream. Raye does not give up easily though, something that is nice and something that is tiring about her.

"D'you have the dream again?" she asks finally, slipping bangles and rings onto her body and coming over to my side. I go to suck down more water, and I nod, almost as though I'm ashamed. Which, I'm not. Nothing about Alex makes me ashamed. I splash my face with water, and it cools down my burning cheeks. I've finally stopped shaking, and I stare at my reflection a moment before swivelling round on the balls of my feet to look at Raye. I smile at her tiny stature and yank her hand down so she's sitting cross-legged in front of me.

"Why're you up so early?" I ask her, and she grins mischievously in that way I love – her grin reminds me Alex's... and a little of Hana's.

"I didn't go to sleep last night," she tells me coyly, twisting a lock of hair around her forefinger. I raise a brow at this and scoot closer – I adore the Wilds. The ability to talk in the open, without worrying every second about somebody hearing you and whispering 'sympathizer' or 'resistor' is one I will probably never get used to, just as a bird who has been caged all its life will probably never throw itself off a cliff and swoop up into the air at the last second, just because it can.

"Tell me more," I say, quickly forgetting the dream for another day – I have to lately. If I didn't it would engulf my whole life. Raye laughs, a laugh like the silver bells that my mother used to tie in me and Rachel's hair at Christmas time, and her eyes shimmer as she glances behind her.

"Let's just say, Scully's gonna be a little late to the meeting today – he's probably tired," she hisses, and my eyes widen as I grin.

"No _way_! You and Scully-!"

"Didn't _do_ anything, so don't go shouting your mouth off about it, Lena!" she says sternly, a smile dancing in her eyes. She bites her lip as though the excitement threatens to spill out her mouth any second. "_Buuuut_, we did hang out all night by the fire, and I swearto_Gawd_ Lena, he was about to kiss me! ... Butler just _had _to pick that moment to stick his fucking head out the window and start into one of his, 'Back in my day' speeches. Asshole," she added, eyes narrowing in contempt over Butler.

I smile happily, knowing full well Butler thinks of Raye like a daughter and so was probably _trying_ to stop Scully kissing her, but I didn't say.

"Well, at least you guys are getting somewhere," I say, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Raye watches me a moment before sighing and poking my shoulder. Her almost-pout is adorable as she says,

"And what about you? I know for a fact any Believer in the country would go out with you. I mean, that settlement we hooked up with in North Carolina-"

"Raye," I say, repeating the words I've repeated so many times before. She stops speaking and prepares for it. I turn my head to look at the watering hole as the sounds of the camp awakening reach us. I hear Butler moaning about mosquitoes to Crazy Caitlin who's here for a stay, I hear Marjorie and Melanie playing tag at the top of their voices, I hear Scully and Tiger laughing and goofing around.

"I love Alex, Raye. I'll always love Alex, and I just... I wouldn't be able to see anyone like I saw him, not ever," I say, going to stand. Raye huffs a moment before standing too, and skipping up the bank towards the camp.

"Alex didn't save you so you could just teach everyone _else_ about love, Lena. He obviously thought you were special and Alex was smart – so I get why he chose you. I just don't think it'd make him happy if he knew you had given up on loving someone again," she says, her eyes burning with her passionate speech, and I brush myself down, sighing.

"Raye, would you just go get the meeting room ready?" I ask her, an edge to my voice. She makes a noise of agreement, before hopping off in the direction of camp, just as the other members come traipsing down.

I wish them good morning, and say my hellos, a smile plastered on my face that's not entirely fake. I'm always happy here in the Wilds, even when I have my dreams and my problems. In the back of my mind, Raye's words attack what I know to be right, but I lay them aside. I have much more important things to deal with right now. The revolution of the world as we know it being number one on my list.

I leave the watering hole, thinking over our plans to take over the USA.

Like Raye said, Alex was smart. And he saved me for a reason.

Whether or not the destruction of the Cure was one of them – I could only find out like this.

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><p><strong>I honestly don't know why I'm putting this up, as I'm going back to school to exams, so it'll probably be finished in painfully slow time... that is, if anyone likes it! Just a crazy idea I had after finishing Delirum... one of my new favourite books. I hope you enjoyed anyway (: Reviews are utter love (:<strong>


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